Joy, terror, pleasure, pain, emotionally I feel like a glass that is being emptied out and filled up again and again and again.

What you are about to read may scare you away or it may draw you in like a moth to a flame. This is a post that was inspired by a very traumatic event. An event that I'd rather not make public. It's one of those things that can be a deal breaker...and it's one of those things that you just don't want EVERYONE to know...but some people eventually have to be told.

I'll start by saying that I am and I'm not a player. If I really tried, I could be with a girl sexually and move on. But, the problem is that emotionally, I don't like to just sleep with a girl and move on. I don't like "hit it and quit it" and I'm not a big fan of "friends with benefits" either. But, at the same time...once WE (the person I've slept with and I) have made that decision to become sexual I can't simply jump into a relationship with them (should they wish to be in one) because jumping into a relationship with the first person I've slept with since I've been single is what got me into the mess that I'm in in the first place. Which tends to make me cautious about sleeping with someone in the first place and can, at times, lead to feelings of guilt or regret. It can make me feel as if I'd used the person, even if that had not been my intention.
A few months after I broke up with the last girl that I had been with, I decided to jump back into the dating scene and I had a few dates lined up, after the first one....I canceled all the others and got into a relationship after the first date with the first girl. That was a huge mistake. I should have gone out with the other girls to have more options...see who was BEST for me...not just who was good enough at the moment.
But, on the other hand I wouldn't trade that relationship for the world because I've grown up so much and experienced so much as a result. I've learned to accept responsibility for my actions, I've moved out of my parents house, I've learned how to keep up my house better, how to shop better, how to cope better, I'm going to a four year university instead of just coasting by in a community college with no real intention of going...anywhere. None of this would have happened when it did if not for that disastrous train wreck of a relationship. I do thank her for that. I just hate her for everything else. But, in hindsight, even though I know what I should have done...I'm glad that I didn't because it introduced me to so many other wonderful things about myself, so many wonderful things about the world, so many wonderful people.
I spoke with a friend last night, describing how I feel and this is what I came up with:

"I'm scared and excited and confused and I don't know what to do. I don't want to just jump back into a relationship right away because that's why I'm having this problem in the first place. I don't want to enjoy being single because I never actually enjoyed BEING single. I don't want to just date around. I really don't want to just sleep around because I'd like to think that I'm a little more mature than that. I just feel like I'm at an intersection and each road leads to some sort of grand prize but it's an economic decision because if I go down this road then I can't see what was down that road, if I go down that road I can't see what was down those two roads and I just wish there was this master road that could allow me to see, like, a window into each road that I'm passing up, just so that I can see what I would be missing if I chose one road over the other. Even if that means not choosing any of the roads...because I just want to know what's out there because I'm just so lost. God, I probably sound so stupid and I'm not even making any sense."

My friend told me that I was making "A surprising amount of sense actually." so...I know she understands. God, she's such a good friend. She really is one of the only ones that I have.
And all the while I just want to cry with joy and anger and frustration and confusion. I feel like I was being literally imprisoned, chained down and held hostage. And now the chains have fallen away and I'm just standing here bathing in the warm light, feeling the wind on my face, facing the world with new resolve and the freedom is like the sweetest honey on my lips...it just feels so good to be alive at this moment. So excruciatingly good. Like getting a hickey, that pleasure mixed with some pain. All these emotions have created this kind of feeling of joy and terror and...god, it just feels so good. I really feel like crying out in happiness.